Adventures on Twitter – My First 50 Tweets

What is the point of Twitter?

Twitter is a peculiar beast.  I’m really not sure what to make of it.  On one hand it seems ridiculously stupid communicating in 140 character snippets as if that is the extent of our thought forming abilities these days.  On the other hand I’m not yet convinced it’s a complete waste of time.  Yet.

Most of you are not using Twitter but I’m sure all of you have heard of it.  Most likely due to an ill-advised tweet by a celebrity or professional athlete or politician that leaps to mainstream media before quickly being deleted with a claim the account was hacked.  In a way, Twitter seems created solely for the purpose of enticing people to spout the first thing that comes to their mind which far too often is the worst thing a person could possibly say.  I regret saying that since our world is ravaged by infuriating spin and meaningless talking points but there is still a place for thinking before one speaks, or tweets.  Authenticity is wonderful but far too few of us are suited for it.

As a communication tool Twitter strikes me as nothing more than lazy email.  If you want to tell your posse something and can’t be bothered entering all their email addresses you just throw it up on twitter and voila.  It also seems frightfully similar to Facebook status updates; is there any hell more terrifying than an endless stream of Facebook status updates.

Another popular function of Twitter is the sharing of news and associated opinions via links to online articles and video clips.  This, I must admit, has some value.  It’s almost as if by following a carefully selected group of tweeters you can create your own personalized newspaper complete with critical discussion and debate (albeit in snippets).  There are risks, though, as the deluge of retweets can become overwhelming.  I cannot fathom how people that follow 1000’s of tweeters get anything from it whatsoever.  I see value in having others help whittle down the flood of information but following that many people strikes me as just adding complexity.

The Best Part of Twitter

Perhaps the most superficial but genuinely intriguing use of Twitter is for celebrity-fan interaction.  Some celebs are terrific at using Twitter to keep in touch with their fan bases.  It makes those quaint fan clubs of yesteryear seem almost comical.  Not all celebs do this or are good at it but those that do and excel at it are truly magnificent.  And I’m saying this as a 42 year old man.  I tingle at the thought of having had the ability to follow the Duke boys’ or the Bandit as a kid!

Then there is the dark side of Twitter and of the entire internet for that matter.  There are a lot, A LOT, of miserable, scary, nasty, dogmatic, unhappy people out there.  I mean, wow!  Sometimes it’s a bit comical especially if you follow any national opinion journalist who will inevitably be labeled a shill for every political party by rabid supporters of another; sometimes even for the same piece.  Other times, though, it is just dark and unpleasant.  The ugly side of humanity exposed in a bilious pool of anonymity.

Luckily, I have yet to have any personal experience with this unseemly side of Twitter. I suppose that is one of the advantages of having only 11 followers most of whom are following me out of kindness.  It’s a start.  Even Bieber had 11 followers at one point; a point of milliseconds, sure, but a point nonetheless.  And I have managed to be unfollowed by 1 person already which is pretty impressive considering how tame I’ve been by and large with my account.  I’m not really sure why this person chose to follow me in the first place, I imagine because of my Sarcoidosis blog postings, but it was evident with a few seconds of perusing her Twitter profile that she and I were not destined for a long Twitter friendship.  Our politics didn’t mesh, shall we say.  I only wish I’d had the opportunity to truly offend her first.  I don’t feel I really earned her departure which is disappointing but apparently tales of close encounters with a transgendered singing telegram was enough to chase her away.

I view my Twitter account as an extension of my blog.  A place I can both promote my blog but also enhance the A Crock of Schmidt experience with my musings that don’t warrant a full blog post.  I guess it’s kind of like a little standup comedy routine playing on my blog’s sister station.  It’s just me trying to be funny and insightful.  Or, it’s just a mind-numbing stream of Facebook-like status update.  Great, hypocrisy!

Ah well, I’m not exactly taking Twitter by storm.  I’m hardly a groundbreaker with this medium.  If anything Twitter’s peak popularity is actually behind it so I’m definitely late to the game.  Hard to make a name for oneself when thousands have come and gone and beat this dead horse I’m now trying to ride.

So here, for your [hopeful] enjoyment are my first 50 tweets.  I’ve made other comments or responded to tweets of people I’m following but I did not include those here.  This is simply my first 50 attempts at being a snippets cad on Twitter.  I think there’s a couple gems in there but a lot of mediocrity too.  Nothing too racy yet; I’m trying to keep things somewhat respectable.  Shock and awe is the easy way to get attention; I haven’t got the body to gain followers with sex appeal and I don’t hate my family enough to embarrass them by doing something truly shocking.  Besides, that horse too has been beaten many a time.

My First Fifty Tweets

1. Spoiler alert.  This eventually ends poorly.
2. Nothing exposes humanity’s lack of evolution than our collective inability to park properly in a snow-covered parking lot.
3. Curse you deep discount retailers and the plague of junk you’ve inspired parents to give guests at children’s birthday parties.
4. I don’t think any part of my body has aged quite as poorly as my asshole.
5. Wouldn’t it be nice if stomachs recognized calories rather than volume?
6. Muscle definition is not my strong point.
7. I swear my kids will wake me up early for my own damn funeral! #sleep
8. If I were to damn #Cancon for anything, it’s the fact I’ve heard ‘Life is a Highway’ every bloody day for the past 20 years.
9. I expected adulthood to be more grown up.
10. In case you thought your job sucked today, I’m mopping floors.
11. So deflating when exercise seems to be accomplishing nothing.  And why do kids view exercise time as ideal conversation with Dad time?
12. 12 squealing kids at my now 7 year old daughter’s birthday party once again leaves me assured I would starve before ever becoming a teacher.
13. Is it safe to assume 2 foot #icicles are not allowed to be brought on school property these days?
14. Once you have #kids and are around lots of #parents it quickly becomes obvious that lack of attractiveness is no impediment to breeding.
15. #Humans are the freakish hairless breed of Primate.
16. And another bag of double stuf #Fudgeeos enters the chasm that is my gut in all it’s disgusting glory and did so in less than 24 hours.
17. After a truly phenomenal bowel movement do you secretly say to yourself “Ah, I think I kinda get sodomy now”?
18. Is it weird to feel pride when a male friend compliments my housekeeping skills compared to a female friend of his? #sahd
19. Letting the kids eat frozen french fries.  Just another day excelling at #Parenthood.
20. Do race horses urinate in volumes significantly greater than regular horses?
21. Wouldn’t teethpaste be a more logical name than toothpaste?  Or did the inventor actually have but a single tooth?
22. That moment in the shower when you’ve put a giant gob of shampoo on your hand only to remember you’ve recently buzzed your hair for #summer.
23. Maybe I’m reading it wrong,  but I had no idea #FiftyShadesOfGrey was actually a comedy.
24. I can only hope one day my son will better articulate the science behind his belief that some #pasta shapes taste good while others do not.
25. Ah, but shells are veritable little soup bowls of sauce retention.
26. Never speak ill of the dead?  That’s the BEST time to do it.  I hope to outlive everyone I love so I can finally say what I really think!
27. Ah, the momentous morning-after-a-feast bathroom visit, where you witness a supposedly inanimate toilet recoil in terror.
28. I love that my 7 yr old daughter doesn’t care about fashion norms whatsoever and just wears what she loves. Much like her grandfather.
29. Few living things give up on life and embrace the inevitable decomposition as readily as bean sprouts and radish greens. #Veggies
30. Is there an alcoholic drink appreciated more than the first consumed by a mother after fully weaning her child? #booze #breastfeeding
31. I think I’d exercise more if sweat tasted like strawberry milk.  #gotmilk?
32. Son [4]: Nobody likes a naughty girl.  #knotty #innocent
33. I shudder to think what percentage of chocolate chips purchased for our baking cupboard actually end up in food rather than my stomach.
34. Late April flurries bring summer worries.  #YYC
35. I wish physical fitness was like blinking; voluntary for special purpose but otherwise an involuntary state of being.
36. Considering that scarf and open suit jacket number Clooney is wearing the only surprise about his engagement has to be that it’s to a woman.
37. The problem with men’s sexual fantasies is that we #fail to anticipate our inevitable poor performance.
38. I wish I was east bound and down, right now.  Loaded up and truckin’.  Doing what they say can’t be done.  #Bandit
39. Annual physical tomorrow.  I feel like chili tonight.
40. Who the hell is Sam Hill and why am I regularly calling out his name?
41. A prostate exam by a female doctor is rife with a sense of revenge for both parties on behalf of their respective genders.  #sausagefinger
42. That moment when your son attempts to punch you in the gut and hits your belt buckle instead.  #justice
43. The kids, while investigating the covers of trashy Fantasy novels in their mom’s collection, have coined the term “boob crack”.  #cleavage
44. The greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing my wife I was a catch.
45. #AmericanHustle Hot damn the 70’s were so gloriously ugly.
46. Enjoying the daily @gubbmintcheese retweet rant.  It’s my morning coffee.
47. Children make up the WORST knock knock jokes ever.
48. I wonder if other intelligent beings in the universe also kill millions of lifeforms just to make products for wiping asses & blowing noses?
49. Mock the French if you must, but at least they recognize that double-u is actually double-v.
50. Season Four did to #nbccommunity what Coy and Vance did to The Dukes of Hazzard.