You crazy, paranoid Americans and your walls. Always with the walls. Usually you’re yapping semi-coherently about wanting one along the Mexican border, or more accurately finishing that one, but now some of the looniest in your midst, hello Republicans, have openly fantasized about erecting a wall along the Canadian border. A 2015 survey found an astounding 41% of United States citizens support a “brick and mortar” wall along the Canadian border. It’s such a ridiculous concept I’m almost hoping to see you try. The specs alone would be fascinating, never mind the cost. Would we have any input on brick size and colour or the pattern in which they are laid since we would have to look at the other side of your wall? Not that we’re being picky, what with you paying for the whole silly thing and all, it’s just that you Yankee Doodle Dandians aren’t exactly renowned for your subtly.
There Already Is A Border Wall!
I’m going to do you a solid, here. Let you in on a little secret. A show of goodwill on account of us being continental cousins ‘n all. There already is a wall along the border of our two countries. Seriously! Oh it’s an invisible wall but it’s there, all right, and it’s remarkably durable and effective. It’s a wall fabricated solely within the marketing offices of giant global food corporations headquartered within your borders and it has an uncanny ability to keep thousands of awesome processed foodstuffs out of Canada. My word isn’t good enough? You need proof? Let’s talk Kellogg’s Pop Tarts.
Everybody loves Pop Tarts. Oh, you may not eat them now, but you did at least once in your life and you loved them. They are the perfect pointless processed food. I haven’t eaten one in many years but there was a time when I consumed an unflattering number of these toaster-friendly pastry treats. I ate them as a breakfast food, which they universally seem to be accepted as for reasons beyond logic, but also as a between meal snack or even as a dessert. They are nothing if not versatile. My personal favourite flavour, and by the end pretty much the only flavor I’d eat, is Frosted Chocolate Fudge. Just writing that has caused a Pavlovian salivatory response. They are just so, so good those beautiful little, foil-packaged, brown rectangles of chocolate rapture.
This is not to say I liked the other flavours any less, not at all. The fruit filled ones, what I consider the healthy varieties, are still very tasty. If I recall correctly, there was a bulk box sampler pack of twenty-four or so that came with chocolate and three berry flavours: raspberry, strawberry, and blueberry. The chocolate would get eaten first, obviously, but I wasn’t tossing the others in the trash I can assure you. I particularly liked Frosted Blueberry. If only real blueberries tasted like that! I’d replace my lawn with property line to property line blueberry bushes and eat myself into Violet Beauregarde.
That magical box of assorted Pop Tarts flavours actually makes for a neatly packaged representation of this invisible, evil wall between Canada and the United States of America of which I speak. I will now share some facts that should, that will, shock you and confuse you and rightly dismay you. I will present to you evidence of a travesty that can never be justified yet continues unchallenged to this very day. What’s worse, this Pop Tarts evidence is but one of myriad examples proving that Corporate America has systemically and grievously defrauded and dishonoured the innocent New World brethren and sistren to the north.
Above is a picture of the typical Pop Tarts selection available at my local, big chain Canadian grocery store. It’s not exactly inspiring is it? A small handful of flavours on offer, tucked away on a shelf near the floor beneath a cornucopia of granola bars that’d make John Denver quiver. Now go to Kellogg’s Canadian website and check out their Pop Tarts page. There you will find that Kellogg’s sells the following six, SIX, flavours of toaster pastries in Canada:
Chocolate Chip
Frosted Blueberry
Frosted Chocolate Fudge
Frosted Raspberry
Frosted Strawberry
S’mores
Update: When I wrote my first draft of this blog several months ago there were indeed six flavours shown. Now, there are only five. FIVE! They’ve removed my beloved Frosted Blueberry like a not so subtle shot across my bow for attempting to draw your attention to this injustice. They’re watching me. I’ll bet there are nanobots in those two scoops of “raisins” in my breakfast cereal!
I should also note that just last week I saw a display for Peanut Butter and Chocolate Pop Tarts in a deep discount grocery store here in town. They were not on the shelf but rather piled on a skid near the checkout. I am unsure if this was a one-time deal or a new product release, but that flavor is not listed on the Kellogg’s Canada website.
Move Over Baskin Robbins
Now turn your attention to the official Pop Tarts webpage in the USA and brace yourselves. They have seven, SEVEN, categories of Pop-Tarts flavours including limited edition flavours plus Pop-Tarts minis which come in blueberry and strawberry flavours and are like mini pop-tart snack bits.
Gone Nutty:
PB&J
Chocolate Peanut Butter
Peanut Butter
Chocolate:
Chocolate Chip
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Chocolate Fudge
Hot Fudge Sundae
Frosted S’mores
Fruit:
Frosted Blue Raspberry
Blueberry
Unfrosted Blueberry
Cherry
Raspberry
Strawberry
Unfrosted Strawberry
Wildlicious:
Wildlicious Berry
Wildlicious Cherry
Bakery:
Brown Sugar Cinnamon
Low Fat Brown Sugar Cinnamon
Unfrosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon
Confetti Cupcake
Cookies & Crème
Limited Edition:
Cinnamon Roll
Red Velvet
Chocolatey Strawberry
Sugar Cookie
Gingerbread
Maple Bacon
Watermelon
Update: Again, when I wrote the first draft it was closer to Halloween and the Limited Edition flavours included Pumpkin Pie and Spookylicious whereas the last four listed above were nowhere to be found.
That is a total of thirty-one, THIRTY-ONE (31), flavours of Pop-Tarts available in the United States of Expanding Waistbands! Canada has five, maybe six, flavour offerings available while Kellogg’s brazenly gives its fellow citizens a choice of thirty-one different flavours. A number that keeps growing and evolving, I might add. That, Americans, is a wall! One that already exists and while it may not prevent phantom terrorists from overrunning your country, it sure as hell prevents, delicious junk food from overrunning mine. Trusted allies my ass!
You actually ate Pop Tarts and LIKED them? I thought they were disgusting even when I was a kid and never, not once, gave them to my kid.
But, hey, the Dutch put chocolate sprinkles or flakes on their bread with butter. Maybe something for you to try although I find it equally repellent as Pop Tarts.
We used to eat cinnamon toast which was just as gross and sugary as chocolate sprinkled bread. Actually, I can’t believe I never thought to put sprinkles on the cinnamon toast? EVERYTHING tastes better with sprinkles!
You may benefit from the invisible wall more than you realize.
My wife and I live in the United States. In 1991, we made a trip through Canada that included Edmonton, Jasper, and Banff. One day, we bought some Pop Tarts in a Canadian grocery store expecting that strawberry Pop Tarts in Canada would be just like the ones that we were used to in the U.S. We couldn’t have been more wrong. The Canadian Pop Tarts were far superior to the U.S. ones. The fruit filling tasted much more like fruit and much less like a chemical concoction. The pastry crust was also superior to the U.S. varieties.
Twenty-six years later, we found ourselves in Vancouver and wondered if the Canadian Pop Tarts were still better than the U.S. Pop Tarts and we were delighted to find a store downtown that sold them. After tasting the Canadian Pop Tarts, we returned to the store to buy as many boxes as would fit in our carry-on luggage, a total of ten boxes! They are still much, much better than the U.S. Pop Tarts.
Printed on the bottom of each box is the statement, “Not for sale outside of Canada.” Yes, the invisible wall is real. It keeps extra flavors out of Canada, but it also keeps the most delicious Pop Tarts out of the United States.
Ha! That is good to know.
I once read that Cheez Whiz in Canada still contains actual cheese unlike its American namesake. Come to Canada where our junk food will kill you a little slower. :o)
It goes both ways. If it is available up here, then the US version is gonna taste like crap due to all the horrible ingredients they aren’t banned from using. American Ketchup is absolutely disgusting, it tastes like a sweet jam. However, if you aren’t used to a Canadian approved version with real ingredients, then the US version is worth picking up just for the variety. Quality versus Quantity.
Tomato Jam. Mmmmm…… not. 🙂
You’re fucking blowing my mind with this article. Whenever i visit the US i stand in the cereal aisle in utter awe of the amount of different pop tart options there are. I’m glad someone else has noticed it too.
So I am curious how some Canadian specialty stores are getting all these American pop tarts, cereals, cookies, candies etc here in Canada. I can’t figure it out because you can’t just buy this stuff online and have it ahipoed here!
I didn’t even realize there were such specialty stores. Probably for the best if I wish to stay non-diabetic.
WHERE!?!?!
Bit late on this one, but I am an avid fan of pop tarts and travel back and forth between the US regularly; my favorite flavor fortunately happens to be Smores which is available in both countries. I will tell you this: the ingredients differ between US smores and Canadian smores, and there is a strange 20 calorie difference. The taste is subtly different as well, Canadian being far superior. Both the filling and the “dough” or whatever you call it is different, with US using enriched wheat and canadian using plain wheat. The canadian pop tarts absorb milk much better(yeah, I dunk ’em,sue me)
Interesting. And perhaps not entirely surprising. Differing regulations on which chemicals can be used and how much corn syrup, as an example, is allowable between the countries undoubtedly change the taste. I belive Cheez Whiz in the USA doesnt actually have cheese in it. Sigh Thankfully Canada tens to be on the side of the better tasting.
Thx for commenting and enjoy dunking those pop tarts!