Three weeks past release and audiences continue flooding into movie theatres like flies to a corpse to watch the long anticipated seventh chapter of the Star Wars franchise. I am still not one of them. I prefer picked over bones to fresh flesh, not to mention a cheaper price tag and fewer people, so I’ll happily wait until Star Wars: The Force Awakens finds its way to the cheap theatres. Besides, as I discussed here, I am not a maniacal fan of Star Wars but rather a fervent devotee of Smokey and the Bandit, the clearly better film.
Such a statement undoubtedly makes many of you bristle or guffaw or even bend over in a fit of uproarious laughter. That’s fine. I’ll state my case soon enough and happily make use of your vulnerable position to put a metaphorical exclamation point to my argument. Until then, wrap your heads around this fact; the original Star Wars and Smokey and the Bandit, both released in 1977 and ultimately the top two grossing films of that year, are incredibly similar movies. Seriously.
Star Wars is the story of a ragtag group of heroic rebels trying to get the stolen plans for the death star back to Alderaan. Smokey and the Bandit is the story of a ragtag group of heroic rebels trying to get bootleg beer back to Texarkana.
In Star Wars our heroes, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Princess Leia, with the help of an eclectic assortment of supporters, are chased by a powerful law enforcement official, Darth Vader, who, along with his legions of inept storm troopers, is hellbent on thwarting their mission. In Smokey and the Bandit our heroes, Bo “Bandit” Darville, Cledus “Snowman” Snow, and Carrie “Frog”, with the help of an eclectic assortment of supporters, are chased by a powerful law enforcement official, Buford T. Justice, who, along with legions of inept police officers, is hellbent on thwarting their mission.
In Star Wars, Luke, who flies an X-Wing Fighter, rescues Leia with the help of Han who flies the Millenium Falcon. In Smokey and the Bandit, Bandit, who drives a Pontiac Trans Am, rescues Frog with the help of Snowman who drives a Kenworth eighteen wheeler. Han’s sidekick was a hairy creature named Chewbacca while Snowman’s sidekick was a hairy creature named Fred. Hell, both movies even have a bar fight and not only did Han shoot first, but Snowman punched first!
See? The movies are practically identical. Yet one of them is a timeless and continuing phenomenon while the other is all but forgotten. This is made all the more maddening when you consider the superiority of the latter, forgotten one. Look, neither of these movies will get mixed up in G.O.A.T. debates with Citizen Kane or Apocalypse Now. Neither would even be considered the best movie from 1977. Hell, Star Wars isn’t even the best science fiction movie of 1977; hello Close Encounters of the Third Kind. But in a purely one-on-one battle between the top two grossing films of that momentous year, I hereby state that Smokey and the Bandit was the better movie. Here are seven reasons why.
1) Superior Soundtrack
Yes, yes, we’re all familiar with John Williams’ score for Star Wars. It’s likely imbedded in our DNA by now. If the Voyager missions were being sent now, those golden records included on the spacecraft would undoubtedly incorportate that opening theme complete with credit crawl. But tell me, when have you ever listened to any of the Star Wars soundtrack outside of actually watching the movie? Sure, you hear the “Main Title” and see the opening credit crawl and get all goose pimply, likely something even more embarrassing happens, but it’s always in a theatre or in front of your television.
Well the same thing happens to me when I hear that diesel engine ignite and the sweet harmonica lead-in to “The Legend”. And unlike “Main Title”, this can happen almost anywhere, like say a truck stop or a bar I’d never admit to frequenting. The clincher, however, is this. When you’re barreling across the prairies on the TransCanada Highway on an epic road trip, are you happily bouncing your head and drumming on the steering wheel to “The Throne Room and End Title” from Star Wars or are you matting the accelerator and belting out “East Bound and Down” from Smokey and the Bandit? Yeah, thought so.
Winner – Smokey and the Bandit
2) Superior Cast
Star Wars had only one bona fide movie star in the cast, Alec Guinness, and even he was unknown to much of the movie’s audience at the time. To make matters worse, Sir Alec hated these movies until he took his very last breath. Harrison Ford, who since became a huge Hollywood star, was still a relative unknown in 1977. The rest of the cast, well, they’re some of the luckiest people ever to live.
Smokey and the Bandit, on the other hand, was brimming with star power; Burt Reynolds, Sally Field, Jerry Reed, Paul Williams, and Jackie Gleason. Burt was absolutely one of, if not the biggest movie star of the seventies, Sally was a television darling in the late sixties, Jerry was an established country music hitmaker and personality, Paul Williams was a renowned songwriter and composer, and Jackie was a giant and pioneer of television. That, my friends, is star power!
Winner – Smokey and the Bandit
3) Superior Feminist Credentials
Princess Leia is undoubtedly an icon when it comes to groundbreaking female characters in movies. She was sexy and strong, believable both as a rebel leader and a leading lady. She was smart, wily, defiant and deep, well as deep as anything in Star Wars gets. She also got to shoot guns. What she didn’t get to do was drive anything. I guess there are limits to how far the men of Star Wars were willing to liberate this heroine.
Smokey and the Bandit had no such reservations showcasing not only Frog driving Bandit’s Trans Am but casting a woman truck driver. Okay, yes, that character’s handle was Little Beaver and, yes, Frog only drove in one scene and the movie is otherwise littered with jokes about hitting women and other off colour lines that would definitely be considered racist by today’s standards but … alright, fine, Star Wars wins this one but just barely and honestly, neither should be overly proud.
Winner – Star Wars
4) Superior Action
You want to know what’s a hell of a lot more exciting than watching two red balls of plasma enter a small hexagonal exhaust port? A fully loaded eighteen wheeler smashing through a road block of police cars with air horns blaring, that’s what. And while jumping to light speed might make your hyperdrive motivator a little tingly, jumping a car over a river via a washed out bridge makes for full body arousal.
I understand that laser battles and space dogfights are cool, but car chases ruled in the seventies. Driving fast, squealing tires (on gravel!), tail swerving turns onto side roads, playing hide and seek in a convoy, man, that’s where it was at. When I was seven and letting my Hot Wheels cars race down the big slide at the playground, I didn’t envision them being Tie Figthers or X-Wing Fighters. They were the Bandit or the Duke boys outrunning the cops and jumping over rivers or barns or mysterious road construction efforts requiring mounds of dirt in the middle of nowhere.
Then there’s that bit about two men swinging glowing wands at each other while embarking on the weakest trash talk ever put to screen only to have the good guy stop fighting all together, allowing himself to be killed. Sorry, the effects may have been cutting edge, but the action certainly wasn’t.
Winner – Smokey and the Bandit
5) Superior Sequels/Prequels
We can all agree that The Empire Strikes Back is great but unfortunately it’s the high water mark for the entire Star Wars franchise. There have been 4 additional movies since then, three of which I’m certain the world wishes didn’t exist.
Smokey and the Bandit II is a solid sequel with an epic vehicular battle royale finale that rivals any death star explosion. Sure, Smokey and the Bandit III is an utter disgrace worthy of jabbing ice picks into your eyes, ears, and parts unmentionable, but at least they stopped after that. There are no Smokey and the Bandit prequels exploring Buford T. Justice’s origin story featuring younger incarnations of him portrayed by actors with the emotive skills of a cow paddy. Most importantly, there is no Jar Jar Binks. Sometimes less is more.
Winner – Smokey and the Bandit
6) Superior Product Sales
Star Wars is great at selling toys; toys of things that don’t actually exist. You don’t see a lot of landspeeders at your local show ‘n’ shine or crossing the auction block at Barrett-Jackson. Smokey and the Bandit, however, was great at selling something very real indeed; cars, actual, tangible cars. Thanks solely to the movie, Pontiac saw sales of Firebirds, and notably the Trans Am model, double by 1979 from 1976 pre-movie levels, presumably, none of them to children.
And speaking of cars, wow, what a car! The 1977 Pontiac Trans Am Special Edition, black with gold accents, is industrial erotica. It’s the tomboy next door all dressed up for prom and will leave you just as breathless and in need of adjusting your shorts. Just look at it. Stare at it. Lust for it. Corrupt it with your eyes.
I loved that car from the second I saw it as a kid and I still love it. In my early teens, I babysat for a family who owned a Smokey and the Bandit II style Trans Am. Getting picked up and returned home in that car was a dream. I’d have worked for free just to get the ride. But it’s that first one, the ’77 version, that I crave most. I’ve never owned one, never even driven one but if fantasies are destined to be fulfilled, that will one day change.
Sorry. I kind of lost myself in a dream there a bit. Anyway, until I can fly an actual functioning, space-worthy X-Wing Fighter, the car wins no matter how many damned Star Wars toys my kids accumulate.
Winner – Smokey and the Bandit
7) Superior Cussing
I only need to put one word here; sumbitch. That word alone outshines anything said by any character in Star Wars. Buford T. Justice was a one man highlight reel when it came to cussing and more often than not “sumbitch” played a starring role. Even when it wasn’t, ole Sheriff Justice still made a hell of a point. Ah, but don’t just take my word for it, read the evidence yourselves:
“There’s no way, no way that you came from my loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I’m gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!”
“I saw that, you sumbitch! You did that on purpose! You’re going away till you’re gray! I got the evidence! … I’m gonna barbeque yo’ ass in molasses!”
“You sumbitches couldn’t close an umbrella!”
“If they’d a cremated the sumbitch, I could be kickin’ that Mr. Bandit’s ass around the moon by now.”
“Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum’s pecker.”
Now, for the sake of fair debate, let’s see what Star Wars offers up in rebuttal:
“Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf herder.”
“Will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way?”
“Where did you dig up that old fossil?”
It’s not even a fair fight. Seriously, Nerf herder? They had to tame down Smokey and the Bandit for television, thus creating the legend of “scum bum” but Star Wars practically needs to be sassed up to avoid embarrassment on television.
Winner – Smokey and the Bandit
There you have it folks. Clear, incontrovertible evidence that Smokey and the Bandit is the superior movie to Star Wars. Now can we get a damn sequel/reboot made already? I need to know what happened when they got the clam chowder for Big and Little Enos!
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